By Matthew S. Richter

Last August 2021, I wrote a series of LinkedIn blog posts about failure and how we cope with it. I also ran an LDA workshop with my friend, Matt Ash, on the same topic. Below are the posts collected together and edited a bit to fit together. This is not meant as necessarily a coherent article, but a collection of ideas I had about the act of failing.

WHAT IS FAILURE

Popular wisdom is we all fail. Of course, this is true, but what does that mean? 🤷‍♂️

Traditionally viewed, a failure occurs when one doesn’t succeed reaching an objective.

The problem with this view is it is short term. If I apply for a job and FAIL to get it, I have indeed failed if my goal was to get hired.

But what if that failure enables me to apply for an even better job that I do get? Or, inspires me to practice more? Or, to learn a new skill that opens different doors, or leads to a networking event where I meet my future boss at another firm?

The problem with failure is it can often be debilitating and depressing when viewed as a single transaction. So, let’s not do that.

Taken contextually, and as a part of a longer journey, failure can be a stepping stone to one of many more possible positive outcomes.

We’re not saying failing is fun. It can really suck! But it can be a lesson to build on. It can be a mistake we avoid making again. It can be the inspiration to change a bad behavior. The catalyst to work harder or practice more. Or the signal to make a major life change. It can also just be bad luck. 

But regardless, it is always just one step, one part, of a longer path we all take.

Think nylon, penicillin, the telephone, and many more successes that stemmed from defeats, collapses, or misfires.

Of course, failure can kill you. But, heck… that can only happen once.😁

THE IMPACT OF FAILURE

How much failure affects us is determined by four general factors*. But each one of these general factors when totaled together, equals the magnitude a failure can have. Think of it as a formula.

1️⃣ THE DIFFICULTY OR CHALLENGE LEVEL OF THE ACTIVITY LEADING UP TO THE FAILURE: In many ways this factor is about ego. If a task is super easy and we fail, we often feel worse about that failure than if the task is super difficult. Meaning the harder a task is to complete the more we can expect to fail and accept that. My friend, Harold Zagunis, is a super tennis player. The few times I played him, I was expected to lose. My failure to even score a point was funny and not a reflection of me since I had no expectation to perform well. In fact, the lowered expectations made the experience more fun (probably boring for Harold) in that I was just focused on the act of playing rather than winning or losing. The conception of failing was shifted by those expectations. Alternatively, a simple task I nonetheless cannot not do, or do wrong, or make a careless mistake while doing, can weigh on me due to the higher expectations I have. In other words, how difficult an activity is will level set expectations which in turn affects how I will perceive failure if and when that happens.

2️⃣ THE CONSEQUENCE(S) OF THE FAILURE GIVEN YOUR GOAL: Playing a game like tennis has little or no consequences to me since I am not an avid hobbyist or a professional player. So, losing to Harold, failing to even perform well at the game, is no big deal. There are literally no consequences for losing. I can move on with no impact to my life. But, if a different failure has consequences like losing/winning something (a job, a promotion, a prize, a partner, a child, a pet, etc.), then the effect of failing can certainly increase in magnitude. Consequences, implications, and significance can add meaning to a failure, making it more painful and its impacts longer in duration. Another example of this is a failed investment of time or money which can lead to significant loss or opportunity cost. 

3️⃣ HOW MUCH YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THOSE CONSEQUENCES: The meaning attributed to those consequences cements the ultimate effect a failure may have. You may have lost a job due to a failure, but that is ok if you have another one lined up. Or, losing the job may mean months of job searching and lost income. Or, even with a good job lined up, the blow to the ego is such that the failure to keep the original job can still hurt. Or using the investment example, if you have an abundance of time and money, the relative significance is much less than if you invested the same amount but had little in reserve. How much one cares about the consequences of a failure regardless of their objective magnitude factors in quite a bit.

4️⃣ RISK TOLERANCE: Finally, we all have differing levels of how much risk we can tolerate. A risk is a potential problem that if and when it develops into a problem, can have varying levels of impact. Those with a higher tolerance for risk will tend to expect the failures to be more blip-like along the way and integrate them more into the journey. Those with less tolerance will tend to perceive the failure as more problematic. In other words, those with greater tolerance are more likely to engage in activities more likely to fail. They know and accept (or even embrace) the possibility. Our friend, Rick Jacobs used the example of social awkwardness. Those more risk averse, will struggle more engaging and risking awkward situations because of the fear of rejection. Alternatively, a socially awkward person more tolerant, will dive into situations regardless of the potential issues.

* Originally, the formula consisted of three factors. Our friend, Rick Jacobs identified quite accurately, the need for a fourth… RISK TOLERANCE. Thanks, Rick!

WHY FAILURE HAPPENS

Here are seven reasons why failure can happen.

1️⃣ MISTAKES: A mistake occurs when we screw up a task or activity even though we have the capability and the capacity to succeed at it. Some mistakes are careless, some are logical errors, some are due to external factors, but nonetheless, humans err. When we make a mistake, they can have consequences that lead us to fail.

2️⃣ ACTS OF GOD: Sometimes stuff just happens out of our control. Lightning hits our plant right before a big production day with a crucial deadline. An expensive and critical machine breaks down before a client deliverable damaging the relationship. Sure, we can manage risks, but we often don't have the resources to mitigate all of them and we hope we get by. We play the probabilities. But when bad stuff happens out of our control, it can lead to failure.

3️⃣ INTENTIONAL FAILURE: Sometimes we intentionally fail in order to explore what may happen. We use failure to test out hypotheses. We try out paths we anticipate may fail to be sure they do and triangulate around a correct pathway. Failing provides more data and a better picture. It aids learning and mitigates our tendency to just assume what we think should happen is the right answer. Failure is essential to good critical thinking.

4️⃣ COMMUNICATION ISSUES: We often can fail when we don’t know what is expected of us or have clear goals. Or, we can fail when the rules, policies, regulations, or processes are unknown and we are nonetheless required to proceed forward. We can even fail if the operating standards, values, and general principles for what we are doing are in conflict with those around us. All of these factors are reconciled via good communication. So, bad communication can lead to failure.

5️⃣ SKILL-DRIVEN FAILURE (OR, LACK THEREOF): Sometimes we just don’t have the knowledge and skill to succeed at something. We try and we fail because we are incapable. In learning situations, these kinds of failures can be illustrative of what a student may need to learn. Or, these failures can be feedback. In other contexts, incompetence can cause more frustrating or even catastrophic failures.

6️⃣ CAPACITY-DRIVEN FAILURE (OR, LACK THEREOF): Alternatively, we may have the knowledge and skill to succeed at a task, but we lack the time, the tools, or other resources to get the job done.

7️⃣ MOTIVATIONAL GAPS: Finally, sometimes the purpose and meaning of a task don’t matter to us. And if the more intrinsic reasons for doing an activity are missing and the now-requisite incentives to complete the task are weak/ nonexistant, the drive to move forward will be missing. Failure is likely.

I am sure there are other causes of failure, but these are the ones initially forefront of mind. Tomorrow's post will explore how our attitude- or mindset- can affect our own reactions to failure mitigating the impacts to failure discussed in yesterday's post.

REACTING TO FAILURE

We have defined failure, explored the causes of failure, and the impact failure may have on a person. Now, we will dive into how one may react to failure.

This one is tricky. There are multiple factors that influence one's response. First, let’s explore the actual reaction. Your reaction to a failure is really going to depend on your mindset toward it. Your mindset helps determine your resiliency, your ability to cope, and the level of subsequent stress a failure may place on you. Your mindset even facilitates how you define a failure within your own context. It’s what may allow you to perceive a failure as merely a step along a journey, or it leads you to view a failure as something utterly catastrophic and you shut down. Or, anywhere in between. 

In other words, how you approach a failure attitudinally is critical to how you get past it. If you view failure, no matter how small it is, as always catastrophic and a commentary on your very humanity, you will struggle to be resilient. However, if you view failure as a learning opportunity, a pip on a longer journey, or simply an experience, you are more likely to rebound and process forward. Your attitude and the way you conceive of a lack of success is critical. There are many resources out there on mindset. In our humble opinion, go to the source and read Carol Dweck’s book, Mindset.

Factors that affect your mindset with regard to failure are:

1️⃣ Frequency: How often you fail can have an effect on your mindset and your resilience. And it isn't a never fail- always fail continuum, either. A person who never has set-backs may struggle to know how to overcome. While a person who rarely succeeds may become overly frustrated and beaten down. And there is no absolute number, either. We all have our tipping points which may change over time, as well. 

2️⃣ The Context. The people around you, the circumstances, and other external factors will all influence your specific attitude toward a failure. This is also where systemic factors that influence why a failure occurred can have an impact, as well. Processes and procedures that are undermining can often affect your mindset over time. If they are supportive, they can influence your mindset. 

‎3️⃣ Of course, YOU are a major factor determining your own mindset. Your personality, your socio-economic background, your parents and how they raised you, and many more individual factors shape who you are from a very young age and influence how you approach the world around you. 

And of course, many other influencers of your mindset are present. They key take-away is that your attitude plays a large part in how you react to failure. And it isn’t so simple as saying “change your attitude.” Many of those influencers have been at play for years. You certainly can make changes to how you experience failure, but it isn’t as simple as simply saying you want to do so.

AVOIDING FAILURE

Remember the story of the scorpion and frog. The scorpion asks the frog for a ride across a lake. The frog says no way! That the scorpion will sting and kill him. The scorpion replies that is foolish, doing so would kill them both. Considering the risks, the frog reluctantly agrees. Midway across, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog, as he dies, asks why. The scorpion explains as he drowns that he is a scorpion and stinging is what they do. Certainly a failure of multiple proportions and levels! But,could it have been avoided?

The need to avoid failure is both a philosophical and a logistical question. Philosophically, if you view failure as a point on a journey, you may use your mitigation strategies as a method for learning and growing. The frog, had he lived, would have learned a lot about trust. Logistically, however, failing can be quite a damper professionally and personally to your plans and objective life experience. Just ask the frog.🤷‍♂️

Let’s focus our discussion on the objective experience of failing at something. Could Frog have avoided this catastrophe?

Most of the time, the act of avoiding failure fits into the domain of risk management. Risk management is the act of identifying potential problems, determining their magnitude if they were to become actual problems, and the likelihood they will become problems. Then, for the highest likely and strongest risks, you prioritize plans to mitigate (contingencies) or avoid them. Risk management is incredibly effective if— and only if— the risks that could lead to failure are indeed identified. In other words, if you don’t identify the potential problem, you can’t plan for it. An of course, even the best plans for mitigation can still fail. Frog did run through the risk. He did assess the probability that the scorpion wasn't suicidal. He assessed it as low and unlikely.

In other words, we can't always avoid risks becoming problems that ultimately lead to failures. All we can do is lessen the likelihood.

There are a myriad of ways to conduct risk management. There are traditional methods taught in project management and quality management. More experimental ways are in the areas of improv, storytelling, design thinking, and others. Your mileage may vary. Some things you can do to maximize the likelihood your risk management will work include:

1️⃣ Be clear of your goal.

‎2️⃣ Distinguish between your goals and the activities for getting to those goals.

‎3️⃣ Focus your discussion on the goals and not on the activities— in other words, be flexible how you get to the goals.

4️⃣ ‎Use our list of reasons failure happens as a template for brainstorming risk. (link in comments)

‎5️⃣ Engage as many people as possible as you brainstorm risks and identified mitigation and contingency plans.

‎6️⃣ Sleep on it. Give yourself time to process and think of more potential problems.

‎7️⃣ Learn from others' failures. Pay attention to history.

10 MORE TIPS FOR INCREASING RESILIENCE WHEN FAILURE HAPPENS

Know the goal. Know the purpose. Know the value. It is next to impossible to stay the course and fight the good fight if you are unclear why you are doing so. Any time I waver, lose confidence, or need to dig deep and find that extra oomph, I stop and regroup. I recommit to the goal and to the purpose. I revisit my value to the initiative, and I fully understand the “why” for what I am doing. Without purpose, inner strength disappears quickly. 

Persist wisely, not blindly. When necessary, quit, fail fast, or exit gracefully. I am not suggesting you give up any time it gets tough. Rather, the very definition of mental toughness is often knowing when to quit or to change your mind. Sometimes it takes a lot of strength to avoid being stubborn and obtuse. If what you are doing has no value… why continue? If what you are doing has no possibility of succeeding, why pursue it? If what you are doing will hurt you or others, why bother? Persistence for the sake of persistence is stupid. You should persist when success is possible, when morality demands it, and when the goal still matters. Pursue with intent.

Focus… one problem at a time. We all get caught in the multi-tasking cycle. But research has clearly shown multitasking can undermine success and certainly lowers one’s productivity. Take a step back and look at the challenge linearly. What needs to be done? Take on one issue, one task, at a time. Taking the time to create a plan helps. Even if you ultimately ignore it. If multiple actions are required simultaneously, recruit help. Speaking of help…

Ask for help. Nothing undermines your sense of toughness like asking for help. But, this is both silly and untrue. I am shocked when I see managers, leaders, and SMEs bend over backwards to avoid appearing weak asking for aid. Everyone needs help sometimes. More importantly, we forget the integral nature of humanity. Going solo, working alone, solving the world’s problems by yourself is a complete illusion and it’s impossible. Quickly identify, early on, that you need help and ask for it. Anyone who looks at you differently for doing so will soon fail themselves. 

Back to Tip# 3, Plan, plan, plan, and then dump the plan. Planning prepares you. Take an hour, a day, whatever… and create a project plan. Doing so not only focuses you, but takes the suggestion in Tip # 3 and makes you work the details. Then, as you execute, you know enough to improvise and deviate as needed.

Develop your improv skills. Mental toughness contains a bit of a paradox in your psyche. On one hand, you need to prepare and plan. On the other hand, you need to be able to spontaneously create and improvise as new or divergent issues appear. Be a great planner, but also become a great improviser. As the immortal Clint Eastwood said in the phenomenal movie classic, Heartbreak Ridge 😜😜, “He didn’t cheat… he improvised, adapted, overcame.” 

There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. All bad things (and all good things) eventually end. History is filled with human problems that no longer matter. I know, this is a bit fatalistic, but it helps me persevere. Eventually, whatever problem you are facing will not mean a thing to anyone. Or, you’ll have solved it. Or, if you held out long enough, another problem took over as the main focus. Anywayyou look at it, the issue at hand will rarely by the issue tomorrow. So, give yourself a mental break. If all looks bleak, eventually that will change. For you to see that change, you have to be there to see it. Again, a bit morbid, but the thought helps me.

Paradox #2. Pay attention. History repeats itself. Learn from the past. Just about everything that will happen probably in some capacity has already happened. That does not mean your context doesn’t shift circumstances, rather it means, how others have solved similar problems might give you a jump start understanding how you can solve yours. Just don’t copy their solutions. Adapt them and see if and how they can work. Same with past failures. You can learn a lot from how others have failed trying to do what you are doing. 

Ask yourself… Can I do something about it? If yes, stop stressing and do it. If not, stop stressing… nothing you can do. 

Finally, stop trying to be mentally tough. If you keep thinking about it, you will avoid getting into the zone. Mihály Csikszentmihályi calls it Flow. Thinking about becoming or being mentally tough will actually undermine your process of persevering. You will think about all the bad aspects of what you are doing and fixate on them. You are doing that cliché… thinking about thinking. STOP! In other words, don’t read articles on mental toughness or listen to speeches on mental toughness. Just do Tips #1-9.